Since Margot's birth I have been truly overwhelmed with my induction into mothering two.
My induction hit me full force much earlier than it did when Gunnar was born (which I was able to ease into thanks to my parents who stayed around for the first 3 weeks of his life), this time it came at day 4. As my body still ached from the pains of labor, I was left alone with two children and only two weeks to prepare to jump into teaching three "new to me" college courses.
As I laid in bed the night before my parents left, worrying about the uncertainty of having two kids all alone for an entire day, I suddenly felt a sharp paralyzing tingle trickle up my arm, a familiar feeling I was dreading might reoccur after having a second baby. But this time I was able to recognize the cause. After Gunnar was born the unexplained numbness began the night before my parents were about to head back to Minnesota, but because of this strange occurrence and the fears that cycled with it, they were convinced to stay for a few more weeks as I adjusted to life as a mother. But this time, as I sat in bed again the night before my support was scheduled to leave, as I felt this numbing sensation take over my body in the same way, in the same form as it had 3.5 years before, this time I realized that this numbness was merely FEAR, fear being translated into my body with paralyzing numbness. As soon as this idea shot through my brain I sprang out of bed and googled "anxiety induced numbness" and there it was all over the inter webs...an actual thing. FEAR, a toxin I unknowingly allowed to take over my body and literally paralyzed my first steps of motherhood. No way not this time. As soon as I realized what had caused this numbness to appear I made a mental note to not let the fear overcome me, to get up the next morning and move forward, to get out of the house, to do something, anything that might help me gain my footing as a new mother of two.
So despite soaking bloody perinatal pads, discomfort and pain, after my parents departure the next morning I somehow got up, got my two babies and myself ready for the day and decided to take motherhood with two for a spin around the real world. I chose Target, of all places, because as all mothers know, Target is a safe, clean and comfortable place to escape. If a meltdown occurs or a baby needs to be breastfed, there is always the fitting rooms and if coffee is needed Starbucks will always be there for you too. After that trip, I felt fearless, I made it out alive 5 days into my new career as this mom of two.
But as soon as it seemed I had found my footing a rug was ripped out from under me and challenged my assuredness. At twenty-one days, as we were visiting Minnesota for a family wedding, our precious infant was stricken with a fever and within minutes our lives came to a screeching halt. After 48 hours of careful watch, X-ray's, iv's, spinal taps, and blood panels at St.Paul children's hospital Margot was diagnosed with enterovirus caused by viral meningitis. We were very lucky. She was released after 48 hours and we happily took our sweet 3 week old back to Chicago to start my first week of classes.
My first two days of classes went so smoothly, I remember coming home and saying a prayer thanking God for all the blessings in my life, for finally being able to teach at a liberal arts college, for being a part of a theatre company I love, and most importantly, for my beautiful and healthy family. But wouldn't you know it...I had counted my blessings prematurely as the very next day I had a very lethargic baby with a low grade fever, but a fever none-the-less. So back we went to the Chicago Children's hospital this time...where our poor little 4 week old had to get another spinal tap, iv and blood panel and was admitted for another 48 hours. This stay was far more worrisome than the first. Margot slept nearly the entire time and wouldn't wake to even nurse. I pumped 2 days worth of breast milk and I didn't sleep...not for more than 15 minutes at a time. I missed my first day of one class and the second day of another class. And when we were released I became almost neurotic with questions, hammering the doctors with hints to prevent another visit back to the hospital. I went temporarily insane...I bought 5 bottles of hand sanitizer and placed them strategically around the house. ME, the woman who loves germs, the mother who believes that by not washing our hands we teach our bodies to be more tolerant and therefore remain more healthy in the long run....THAT same woman suddenly converted to hand sanitizing madness in an effort to keep our baby from another trip to the ER. And this woman, who weeks earlier pushed FEAR out the door, suddenly was incapsulated by fear once again and quite literally quarantined myself and my children inside our house until Margot turned six weeks.
Thankfully this FEAR had an expiration date, at six weeks a baby's immune system is fully developed and fevers are no longer a serious sign of fatal illness. So then I buckled up my seat belt once again and moved forward, toward normalcy, or at least in the hopes that normalcy could exist beyond the chaotic whirlpool of hospital visits we had endured in less then two months time.
But everyday has brought new challenges, still, despite health, despite preparedness. When you're the parent to two unpredictable children so many things can bring a halt to your daily life. Little things like a baby screaming for a diaper change can stop you in your tracks, freezing your ability to move forward with fluidity and ease. So instead I dance around like a blind ballerina on a floor filled with marbles and plastic toy dinosaurs, tripping over every attempt to move gracefully through the day. I fly out the door with 6 bags on my shoulders, a coffee cup, my sons breakfast and a carseat filled with 15 pounds of crying baby only to discover I left the car and house keys on the other side of the closed house door with the locked handle. So with a bowed head I beg assistance from our new neighbor who graciously offers to help us through the third crisis of the month, and he climbs in our front window (not without being attacked by our guard cat Elsa, now we know we'll never get robbed).
I laugh. I laugh my way through these struggles because it is all I can do to keep moving myself forward. Each struggle has taught me the importance of improvising but also the importance of preparing for the storm.
I did a staged reading last night with my theatre company of a beautiful play in development. I was in charge of coordinating actors and the space for this reading and wouldn't you know I encountered quite a few bumps as we prepared to present this staged reading. One of our actors backed out the day before due to illness without any time to find a replacement and my husband with less than 24 hours notice informed me that he would be out of state during the reading, leaving me stranded without childcare during the time of the performance. I laughed. I laughed. Because what else can I do? We improvised by giving the role to one of the actors already in the reading and splitting the babysitting between my sister-in-law and a student who I'd already asked to help with house managing the reading. I love that the name of the play we read last night is called "Forward" and I love that in reflection so many moments from the play are ringing true to me today as I acknowledge how hard it is to trudge through the day to day life as a mother of two. At the beginning of the play there is quote by Fridtjof Nansen "I demolish my bridges behind me -then there is no choice but to move forward" How true this rings today and everyday where it feels like I'm slamming into obstacles that seemingly try to prevent me from progressing. I love the image of destroying those obstacles behind me so that I can move on and move forward, on to the next. But the quote that rang most true to me today came from one of the female characters in the play who tries to comfort her irrational pregnant lover who fears the kind of world she is bringing a baby into...and her partner comes through with the perfect answer "All we can do is our flawed best". And that just sums it up right there...thank God someone (that someone being Chantal Bilodeau and her beautiful play) found the words for me. Because isn't that all we ever can do?
A few weeks ago my friend Bergen spoke to one of my classes about being a professional actor. One of my students asked her who inspires her most. I believe my student was expecting her to answer with the name of a celebrity, but instead she said "women who keep working, who keep moving forward with their goals even after having babies." YES. YES. Mothering can be so paralyzing. It can be all encompassing, it can hold us down and make the smallest things feel like mountains, because they are...they are mountains when you've never climbed them before. And so I completely 100% agree with Bergen in that sentiment. I am most inspired by any and all women who continue to challenge themselves, who choose take on more than just motherhood (because God knows it is more than a full-time job in itself). And even though we may be crazy in attempting to do more...it's so important that we make those attempts...that is why it is so inspiring. It's important to remember that we are people beyond motherhood and when a mother chooses to take on something outside of her jurisdiction as a mother it is so important to cheer her on and encourage her to do so. We must encourage each other, we must inspire each other because it is so easy to fall back and just play the mother role (which is absolutely important) but it's also important to show our children that we can move forward too. We can be leaders and artists, we can be inspiring, we can be innovators. If we keep moving forward, if we keep making new goals then we truly are doing our flawed best.
And so I will remind myself that despite the bumps, despite the mistakes, despite it all I'm only trying to do my flawed best everyday as I attempt to move forward.
My induction hit me full force much earlier than it did when Gunnar was born (which I was able to ease into thanks to my parents who stayed around for the first 3 weeks of his life), this time it came at day 4. As my body still ached from the pains of labor, I was left alone with two children and only two weeks to prepare to jump into teaching three "new to me" college courses.
As I laid in bed the night before my parents left, worrying about the uncertainty of having two kids all alone for an entire day, I suddenly felt a sharp paralyzing tingle trickle up my arm, a familiar feeling I was dreading might reoccur after having a second baby. But this time I was able to recognize the cause. After Gunnar was born the unexplained numbness began the night before my parents were about to head back to Minnesota, but because of this strange occurrence and the fears that cycled with it, they were convinced to stay for a few more weeks as I adjusted to life as a mother. But this time, as I sat in bed again the night before my support was scheduled to leave, as I felt this numbing sensation take over my body in the same way, in the same form as it had 3.5 years before, this time I realized that this numbness was merely FEAR, fear being translated into my body with paralyzing numbness. As soon as this idea shot through my brain I sprang out of bed and googled "anxiety induced numbness" and there it was all over the inter webs...an actual thing. FEAR, a toxin I unknowingly allowed to take over my body and literally paralyzed my first steps of motherhood. No way not this time. As soon as I realized what had caused this numbness to appear I made a mental note to not let the fear overcome me, to get up the next morning and move forward, to get out of the house, to do something, anything that might help me gain my footing as a new mother of two.
So despite soaking bloody perinatal pads, discomfort and pain, after my parents departure the next morning I somehow got up, got my two babies and myself ready for the day and decided to take motherhood with two for a spin around the real world. I chose Target, of all places, because as all mothers know, Target is a safe, clean and comfortable place to escape. If a meltdown occurs or a baby needs to be breastfed, there is always the fitting rooms and if coffee is needed Starbucks will always be there for you too. After that trip, I felt fearless, I made it out alive 5 days into my new career as this mom of two.
But as soon as it seemed I had found my footing a rug was ripped out from under me and challenged my assuredness. At twenty-one days, as we were visiting Minnesota for a family wedding, our precious infant was stricken with a fever and within minutes our lives came to a screeching halt. After 48 hours of careful watch, X-ray's, iv's, spinal taps, and blood panels at St.Paul children's hospital Margot was diagnosed with enterovirus caused by viral meningitis. We were very lucky. She was released after 48 hours and we happily took our sweet 3 week old back to Chicago to start my first week of classes.
My first two days of classes went so smoothly, I remember coming home and saying a prayer thanking God for all the blessings in my life, for finally being able to teach at a liberal arts college, for being a part of a theatre company I love, and most importantly, for my beautiful and healthy family. But wouldn't you know it...I had counted my blessings prematurely as the very next day I had a very lethargic baby with a low grade fever, but a fever none-the-less. So back we went to the Chicago Children's hospital this time...where our poor little 4 week old had to get another spinal tap, iv and blood panel and was admitted for another 48 hours. This stay was far more worrisome than the first. Margot slept nearly the entire time and wouldn't wake to even nurse. I pumped 2 days worth of breast milk and I didn't sleep...not for more than 15 minutes at a time. I missed my first day of one class and the second day of another class. And when we were released I became almost neurotic with questions, hammering the doctors with hints to prevent another visit back to the hospital. I went temporarily insane...I bought 5 bottles of hand sanitizer and placed them strategically around the house. ME, the woman who loves germs, the mother who believes that by not washing our hands we teach our bodies to be more tolerant and therefore remain more healthy in the long run....THAT same woman suddenly converted to hand sanitizing madness in an effort to keep our baby from another trip to the ER. And this woman, who weeks earlier pushed FEAR out the door, suddenly was incapsulated by fear once again and quite literally quarantined myself and my children inside our house until Margot turned six weeks.
Thankfully this FEAR had an expiration date, at six weeks a baby's immune system is fully developed and fevers are no longer a serious sign of fatal illness. So then I buckled up my seat belt once again and moved forward, toward normalcy, or at least in the hopes that normalcy could exist beyond the chaotic whirlpool of hospital visits we had endured in less then two months time.
But everyday has brought new challenges, still, despite health, despite preparedness. When you're the parent to two unpredictable children so many things can bring a halt to your daily life. Little things like a baby screaming for a diaper change can stop you in your tracks, freezing your ability to move forward with fluidity and ease. So instead I dance around like a blind ballerina on a floor filled with marbles and plastic toy dinosaurs, tripping over every attempt to move gracefully through the day. I fly out the door with 6 bags on my shoulders, a coffee cup, my sons breakfast and a carseat filled with 15 pounds of crying baby only to discover I left the car and house keys on the other side of the closed house door with the locked handle. So with a bowed head I beg assistance from our new neighbor who graciously offers to help us through the third crisis of the month, and he climbs in our front window (not without being attacked by our guard cat Elsa, now we know we'll never get robbed).
I laugh. I laugh my way through these struggles because it is all I can do to keep moving myself forward. Each struggle has taught me the importance of improvising but also the importance of preparing for the storm.
I did a staged reading last night with my theatre company of a beautiful play in development. I was in charge of coordinating actors and the space for this reading and wouldn't you know I encountered quite a few bumps as we prepared to present this staged reading. One of our actors backed out the day before due to illness without any time to find a replacement and my husband with less than 24 hours notice informed me that he would be out of state during the reading, leaving me stranded without childcare during the time of the performance. I laughed. I laughed. Because what else can I do? We improvised by giving the role to one of the actors already in the reading and splitting the babysitting between my sister-in-law and a student who I'd already asked to help with house managing the reading. I love that the name of the play we read last night is called "Forward" and I love that in reflection so many moments from the play are ringing true to me today as I acknowledge how hard it is to trudge through the day to day life as a mother of two. At the beginning of the play there is quote by Fridtjof Nansen "I demolish my bridges behind me -then there is no choice but to move forward" How true this rings today and everyday where it feels like I'm slamming into obstacles that seemingly try to prevent me from progressing. I love the image of destroying those obstacles behind me so that I can move on and move forward, on to the next. But the quote that rang most true to me today came from one of the female characters in the play who tries to comfort her irrational pregnant lover who fears the kind of world she is bringing a baby into...and her partner comes through with the perfect answer "All we can do is our flawed best". And that just sums it up right there...thank God someone (that someone being Chantal Bilodeau and her beautiful play) found the words for me. Because isn't that all we ever can do?
A few weeks ago my friend Bergen spoke to one of my classes about being a professional actor. One of my students asked her who inspires her most. I believe my student was expecting her to answer with the name of a celebrity, but instead she said "women who keep working, who keep moving forward with their goals even after having babies." YES. YES. Mothering can be so paralyzing. It can be all encompassing, it can hold us down and make the smallest things feel like mountains, because they are...they are mountains when you've never climbed them before. And so I completely 100% agree with Bergen in that sentiment. I am most inspired by any and all women who continue to challenge themselves, who choose take on more than just motherhood (because God knows it is more than a full-time job in itself). And even though we may be crazy in attempting to do more...it's so important that we make those attempts...that is why it is so inspiring. It's important to remember that we are people beyond motherhood and when a mother chooses to take on something outside of her jurisdiction as a mother it is so important to cheer her on and encourage her to do so. We must encourage each other, we must inspire each other because it is so easy to fall back and just play the mother role (which is absolutely important) but it's also important to show our children that we can move forward too. We can be leaders and artists, we can be inspiring, we can be innovators. If we keep moving forward, if we keep making new goals then we truly are doing our flawed best.
And so I will remind myself that despite the bumps, despite the mistakes, despite it all I'm only trying to do my flawed best everyday as I attempt to move forward.
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